The curtain poles lived in times of trouble and persecution

Once upon a time in the mystical and mysterious land of home improvement and interior design there lived a curtain pole. In fact there lived many curtain poles all with their own personality and unique design.

The curtain poles lived in times of trouble and persecution. The world was evolving around them and for a while they struggled to keep their finials above water. A society of fast food and video games had left the poor curtain poles and tracks behind.

Many in the curtain pole village had lost hope and saw no future. Some had gone off the rails completely and turned to drink!

One day Queen of the curtain poles, whose name was Nikola (aged 35) decided that she didn't want to live in the shadows any longer. No more would she holdback. She wanted to be seen, she wanted to feel important, she wanted to restore some prestige, so she set about organising a curtain pole uprising. After much preparation and training and when every aspect of the invasion had been carefully planned, they were ready! The poles and tracks army were about to be unleashed upon the world.

Whilst they were undergoing their rigorous training the curtain pole army began making weapons. They used anything they could get their hands on. They used wood (grafting weapons out of walnut, oak and pine) and all kinds of different metal (chrome, brass, silver) and painted them in lots of different colours.

There was a new determination in curtain pole village; the atmosphere was poles apart from what it had been just a few years earlier. The soldiers stood tall and brave and waited for battle. All had their own insignia engraved onto their shields and helmets. They would enter battle in grand and exquisite style; all other home improvement accessories would be in awe of their couture look. The constellations looked down upon then, Orion smiled proudly at the army's grandeur.

Queen Nikola summoned the massive army before her, for she would lead the invasion herself. They would invade homes and businesses the world over. No stone would be left unturned in their quest for world domination. From Hampshire to Havana, from Basingstoke to Belgravia, from Lincoln to Los Angeles, the whole planet would feel the wrath of the curtain poles.

They would attack with stealth and speed, from all angles they would appear. By land, by air, by sea and even by monorail! Holdback, holdback, holdback! Queen Nikola cried, waiting for just the right moment.

Attack, Attack! This was it! The curtain poles and tracks moved with such skill and determination that the world was powerless to respond. Casualties were few because the curtain poles were merciful but victory was comprehensive and complete. They had succeeded in infiltrating every home and every life. Every window and every door bore the mark.

Of course I am far too young to remember this historic battle of curtain pole hill but my grandfather told me many stories about it and I have since seen many documentaries and movies about it. My favourite starring Sally Florentine and Edward Rockingham was The Charge of the Telescopic Curtain Pole. Although I have to admit that Full Metal Curtain Pole runs it a close second. Dominic Galleria was magnificent in that!